they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
