You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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