She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
