He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
