god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
