I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
