I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All I want is dick and wine.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
