he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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