she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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