woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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