He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
