I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
