what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
