sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
