my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
