literally had 100 drinks last night.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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