I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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