I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
