i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
