that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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