areolas are like halos for boobs.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
