i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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