I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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