It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
