I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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