Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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