White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
