I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
