i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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