Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
