Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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