mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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