my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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