smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
