she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
