you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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