There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
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While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize