This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
