Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
