I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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