I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
