Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
