I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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