he was CRYING into my vagina
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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