yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
