I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
