So drunk its hurt
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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