that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
