I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
