I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
