Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
