I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
