I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
