Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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