Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize