My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
