No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
