Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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