A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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