you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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