i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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