when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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