This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
